Is it over yet?

Ever since I started reviewing for the Bar I've been counting down to the day when it'll finally be over. These past few days I've been plagued with insecurity--the feeling that all I've done up to this point isn't enough and that I'm doomed to fail again. It's just now that my fighting spirit is finally starting to return. I'm tired of studying, I know this sh*t. I just hope I don't blank out come test time. I've still got some insecurities, but mainly I'm now pissed. My daughter has gotten so big from the moment I started reviewing and when we first hired the Nanny. She's now playing peek-a-boo, a game we discovered by chance when I was feeding her the other day. Every single day when she was much younger I would sing "the itsy bitsy spider" to her with all the hand signs. Now that she's finally becoming more interactive she knows when to anticipate the point where the spider climbs up the water spout to tickle her. I used to play peek-a-boo with her when she had no clue why I would cover my face or her face, now she does it all by herself! It's been almost, what? 3 mos or so since I started reviewing? I'll be d*mned if I don't pass. I can never be fully confident, but I know I've done a lot and I've sacrificed a whole lot more for this exam. The nagging feeling that I still haven't done enough is slowly fading (thank God!). I'm gonna do the best I can on test day(s). I came so close to passing the last time. If I don't make it this time, I honestly don't know if I want to do it again. I hated the whole experience. I know some people totally give up their lives to study for this Bar--that's just not me. I feel like I haven't done enough studying because I still go out on weekends, I still watch movies on Fridays, and I take plenty of breaks in between review hours. I yell at dear hubby for not working on Fridays because he distracts me--and when he leaves the house so that I won't be bothered I yell at him even more for not taking me with him! I don't feel like I've done half as much essays, but I certainly did more multiple choice questions this time around knowing that my shortcoming from the past exam was due to my low multiple choice score. Still not enough? We'll see. Call me when the results come out cos I, for sure, am not checking it for myself--I don't even know when the results come out!

It's almost over and I'm definitely looking forward to the final period "." that I write to end my sentence on the Performance Test B portion of the exam that Thursday afternoon around 5p. A couple of friends and my cousin have invited me to dinner, karaoke, or just to hang out the following Friday. I'm sorry if I still can't commit. I'll see how the week goes cos I might just crash the whole day and wake up fresh and anew late Saturday. Then, we'll be at the beach enjoying the sun. I can't wait.

Thank you to all who have given me their support, love, and prayers. I would jokingly tell everyone who says that they'll pray for me and tell them: "yeah, pray for a miracle cos I'm gonna need a miracle to pass this exam." It's only a half-joke. For one, I've done all I can to study for the exam, the other half I'm gonna need the guidance to overcome the insecurities I still have inside of me. If I pass, GREAT! If I don't, who knows? I'm keeping my options open. I really do appreciate everyone's support and prayers. I would like to say that I hope to not let anyone down, but I just can't make that promise cos I know I'll beat myself over if I come short again. What I can promise, though, is that I will try my very best (barring any unforeseen circumstances << see! I've even got a disclaimer! like the ones in the atty commercials when the legalese comes in the end: all lawyers portrayed in this ad are paid actors, the scenes are all dramatization, we can't guarantee you winning your case blah blah blah and finally: hablamos espanol). Come on, I gotta have some sense of humor right? I can't be all uptight and stuffy all the time! OK that's it . . . I gotta go get some lunch at Gerry's Grill.

It's in five days . . .

I'm so scared of failing again that I can't keep that out of my head. That's all I could ever think of. I'm not confident. I feel like I'm not ready. I feel like I'm doomed to fail again. God I hope I'm wrong on this one. I really want to pass, but I can't even get it in my head that I can do it this time. I study and I study, but I feel like I'm still not doing enough. That I still haven't done enough. I didn't do as much essay questions this time around because I'm still having issues with memorization. I did a lot more MBE Qs but same problem: memorization. I've only got five days to memorize. My memory's gonna f* me over.

Things worth noting:

• Holtz's approach would be really helpful if it's actually applied in practice Performance Tests. I haven't gotten through one complete PT since his class a few months back.
• AdaptiBar would likewise be helpful if one actually logs on to do questions. I haven't done AdaptiBar questions in weeks! What a waste of money.
• The Blue PMBR book is way better than the Red one. Or so I heard, cos I haven't cracked open either of them. I did attend the 3-day comprehensive course and that was really helpful. They have 200 really hard questions that are worth looking over. It's also beneficial to attend their 2-day review session because they give a lot of pointers to those harder questions. They give you an extra confidence boost when you get to add 36pts to your raw score cos their questions were really that much harder.
• The Essay Advantage class was just so-so. I wish I hadn't paid so much money on that one. They grade essays but I never got anything over 65. WTF?! 3 hours of work to get a failing score? Yes. Three hours. I never did do a single 1-hour essay. I don't have time to work on, my timing cos I'm not even planning on doing much essays this next few days, just purely memorization and issue-spotting + outlining (if things go well and I don't end up just crying in the corner).
  
• MBE Strategies & Tactics is very highly recommended. I did all the questions on the book for each subject and still working through some of them. It would be really helpful to read the answers to the questions for the explanations.
  
• Adachi's Bar Exam Survival Kit is what I'm currently trying to memorize right now. They've got law charts and mnemonics that are helpful, but might be confusing if you've already got a mnemonic that you're used to. It also has a lot of mnemonics that don't even make sense to me. For example, to determine whether there's sufficient minimum contacts (Civ Pro) it's CAPFILBLIMFEW--it's just the first letters of so many words to memorize! I'll stick with "My Parents Frequently Forgot to Read Children's Stories." I'll also stick with the other mnemonics that are so much easier to remember (from Bar/Bri lectures). Who can forget the lyrics to create an easement appurtenant? "It takes two, baby! To create an easement appurtenant."
  
• Adachi's MBE Book: never opened. At least I've got lots of materials to work with if ever I need to take the Bar the third time around--I hate my life!

I don't know if I just made myself feel better by writing the incessant nagging feeling of despair and hopelessness inside of me. My friend would tell me: "You'd be fine" and would comment how calm I am about the exam. I don't know why that is so. Is it because 1) I just want to get it over with despite of the feeling that I'm totally unprepared for this exam or 2) that I've already completely given up on the exam, but can't turn back now cos it's in a matter of days--I've already gotten this far!

My brother asked me: "what if you fail? it's not like you can get a job right away." Mom said "no she'll pass" and added "if not, just take it again." My Dad told him to just "shut up! just shut up!" Hubby said to take a break if I don't pass. I said calmly, "it's ok. it's a reality i have to face." On the inside, that was the night that I desperately gave up on myself. I can't even convince people around me that I can do it. I mean, what happened to the fighter in me. The one that would've gotten in his face and said: "I'll show you!" I don't know what happened to her. Somewhere along the way she disappeared and I was left with my lonely self hating what I'm doing and also hating myself for not doing enough.

If I fail, I really am not sure if I want to take the Bar again. I hate this whole experience. I hate having to study things that I've already studied for. I hate taking the time off from playing with my newborn daughter. I've sacrificed so much time away from her that I will never get back. In the end, though, who am I really doing this whole thing for?

Well, it is what it is. I'll be facing the executioner in five dreaded days. I have a choice to make: to continue memorizing or just give up and say "EFF it!" This the part where I say: The Bar Exam can suck it! I've got five more days, and I could still get a lot of memorization done. So, sayonara, and hopefully the next time I log on to this is when I write good things about my experience at the actual Bar exam with good positive feedback.

hmm . . .

there are days when all i want to do is do nothing . . . or avoid the things i'm supposed to be doing like studying. today is one of those days despite of the clock continuously ticking i've only got 19 days til the dreaded Bar and i'm sitting here in front of my 'puter avoiding what i'm supposed to be doing. am i ready? will i ever be ready in time? gosh let's hope so. for the sake of myself i hope i can pull it off this time cos i don't think i want to ever go through this again! it's just too damn boring! i can't stand trying to re-learn things i've already learned but my memory's been terrible lately that i've got to do this! i've just got to! but i'm weak: i can't! i can't cos i'd rather be doing anything else but what i'm supposd to be doing. i'm fuct!