Is it over yet?

Ever since I started reviewing for the Bar I've been counting down to the day when it'll finally be over. These past few days I've been plagued with insecurity--the feeling that all I've done up to this point isn't enough and that I'm doomed to fail again. It's just now that my fighting spirit is finally starting to return. I'm tired of studying, I know this sh*t. I just hope I don't blank out come test time. I've still got some insecurities, but mainly I'm now pissed. My daughter has gotten so big from the moment I started reviewing and when we first hired the Nanny. She's now playing peek-a-boo, a game we discovered by chance when I was feeding her the other day. Every single day when she was much younger I would sing "the itsy bitsy spider" to her with all the hand signs. Now that she's finally becoming more interactive she knows when to anticipate the point where the spider climbs up the water spout to tickle her. I used to play peek-a-boo with her when she had no clue why I would cover my face or her face, now she does it all by herself! It's been almost, what? 3 mos or so since I started reviewing? I'll be d*mned if I don't pass. I can never be fully confident, but I know I've done a lot and I've sacrificed a whole lot more for this exam. The nagging feeling that I still haven't done enough is slowly fading (thank God!). I'm gonna do the best I can on test day(s). I came so close to passing the last time. If I don't make it this time, I honestly don't know if I want to do it again. I hated the whole experience. I know some people totally give up their lives to study for this Bar--that's just not me. I feel like I haven't done enough studying because I still go out on weekends, I still watch movies on Fridays, and I take plenty of breaks in between review hours. I yell at dear hubby for not working on Fridays because he distracts me--and when he leaves the house so that I won't be bothered I yell at him even more for not taking me with him! I don't feel like I've done half as much essays, but I certainly did more multiple choice questions this time around knowing that my shortcoming from the past exam was due to my low multiple choice score. Still not enough? We'll see. Call me when the results come out cos I, for sure, am not checking it for myself--I don't even know when the results come out!

It's almost over and I'm definitely looking forward to the final period "." that I write to end my sentence on the Performance Test B portion of the exam that Thursday afternoon around 5p. A couple of friends and my cousin have invited me to dinner, karaoke, or just to hang out the following Friday. I'm sorry if I still can't commit. I'll see how the week goes cos I might just crash the whole day and wake up fresh and anew late Saturday. Then, we'll be at the beach enjoying the sun. I can't wait.

Thank you to all who have given me their support, love, and prayers. I would jokingly tell everyone who says that they'll pray for me and tell them: "yeah, pray for a miracle cos I'm gonna need a miracle to pass this exam." It's only a half-joke. For one, I've done all I can to study for the exam, the other half I'm gonna need the guidance to overcome the insecurities I still have inside of me. If I pass, GREAT! If I don't, who knows? I'm keeping my options open. I really do appreciate everyone's support and prayers. I would like to say that I hope to not let anyone down, but I just can't make that promise cos I know I'll beat myself over if I come short again. What I can promise, though, is that I will try my very best (barring any unforeseen circumstances << see! I've even got a disclaimer! like the ones in the atty commercials when the legalese comes in the end: all lawyers portrayed in this ad are paid actors, the scenes are all dramatization, we can't guarantee you winning your case blah blah blah and finally: hablamos espanol). Come on, I gotta have some sense of humor right? I can't be all uptight and stuffy all the time! OK that's it . . . I gotta go get some lunch at Gerry's Grill.